Thursday, April 21, 2011
We take our child labor very seriously here at Casa Sweazy
Some observations on Declan Grey's first week on the planet:
1. People are really excited that I reproduced "properly"
The folks at the hospital, from the nurses to orderlies to my favorite - the men and women who announced themselves as "Dietary" as they waltzed into my room bearing dinner - are frickin thrilled for me that I now have a son to pair with my daughter.
"You've properly reproduced yourself!" the nurse who wheeled me to the front door announced. The bleary-eyed young father who rode down with us agreed. "A daughter AND a son. THAT's how it's done," he affirmed. It was as if I'd scored perfectly on a test I had no idea I was taking. Surely this is just the party line. What would they have said to me if I'd had another daughter? "How sweet that you now have two creatures that will one day rise at 5 AM to do their hair before school!"
2. Sometimes when feeding my kid, I notice that he resembles a tiny Sir John Gielgud, and then I very quickly try to think about anything else. He happens to share a birthday with SJG, so maybe it's a subliminal thing. He also shares a birthday with Adolf Hitler and Baby Doc Duvalier so I will be watching closely for signs of vegetarianism and the urge to express oneself by painting. Or mass murder.
3. Declan falls asleep with his eyes open. This is hilarious when not absolutely creepy. One minute he's staring at you with those big eyes and hey! He's smiling...followed by his eyes rolling back in his head and facial twitching that makes him look like the little girl from the Exorcist. I hope this trait actually sticks around through his teenaged years. I forsee him being very popular at sleepovers, not to mention overnight dates with ladyfriends.
4. It is my mission in life to fatten this kid up. Do you remember in Muppets Take Manhattan when Kermit pedals his bike through Central Park? Those impossibly string bean legs? Kermit's legs are like Beyonce's compared to this kid. I think he is up to about a gallon of milk a day (estimates based on the volume and scope of the volcanic reef that used to be my breasts) and I think he has added a chin and improved vision but those legs! Maybe under the milky white skin and blonde hair, a secret Kenyan is yearning to break free. Stranger things have happened.