18 Months or The (Baby) Psychopath Test
Thursday, October 25, 2012
*There used to be an adorable photo of D right here. Until I googled "baby psychopath" and my son's photo was the third search result. Mom of the year, folks.
A helpful test for those of you who may be trying to find answers. Or help. Or have an 18 month old.
THE (BABY) PSYCHOPATH TEST
1. When your parent(s) greet you in the morning and lay you down gently on your changing table, you:
A) Give them a playful smile
B) Give them a playful smile before punching him/her in the mouth while simultaneously trying to kick the hand sanitizer with your (club)foot
2. It's breakfast time. You:
A) Beckon, point, sign or state that would you like food.
B)Grab the refrigerator handles and scream that you are unable to open them. Scream at your parents for opening the door. Scream at the unfairness of not being tall enough to reach the milk. Scream that the milk has not been placed into a cup and into your hand .08 seconds after you demanded. And scream.
3. Lights out. It's bedtime. You:
A) Go to sleep.
B) Cry a bit, but go to sleep.
C) Go to sleep. Then wake back up and laugh manically at the ceiling for two hours straight, causing your parents to lurk outside with their phones trying to record audio. You stop laughing every time they press play. They regroup, looking through the baby monitor, partially convinced there's a dead relative making you giggle. Really, you can't stop laughing because you freak their shit OUT.
4)You hit your sister/mother/glass cabinet/dog/refrigerator/front door again, and when picked up and scolded, you:
A) Cry and apologize. Even though she deserved it.
B)Headbutt whoever was stupid enough to pick you up. I mean, did they not just see you hit a CABINET out of frustration with your limited vocabulary? You live with cretins.
5) Your parents google "baby psychopath" and finding nothing, write a quiz based on your actual interactions. You are:
A) Horrified. Will give extra kisses at story time to be a better baby.
B) Flattered. Your plan is working. In Spades. You might actually be the youngest candidate for boarding school in history, and you've got your eye on Switzerland.
* I kid because I love, baby. You're not all cray cray.